People in Glass Houses Page 15

  Once you know Jesus you know Truth and, as he said, the Truth will set you free. The exciting part is that there is even more Truth. And it’s all available here right outside in the gift shop.

  The fundamentalists were once heavily criticised by the liberals for being so polarised, so black and white about the bible.

  Fundies have always taken their texts literally as God-breathed scripture, so that not a jot or tittle should be moved.

  The Prosperity Rat Pack don’t need to worry about such criticisms. They don’t bother with the bible much. Sermons aren’t even messages any more. Speakers just sort of morph into personal feel-good chats. As reference points, AoG pastors mainly quote other pastors’ books and conferences, celebrities who appear noble, movie clips, stories their friends told them, stuff that happened last conference and, my personal favourite, ‘someone once said’.

  It’s as useful as listening to the dream I had three weeks ago. Any reference to the Christian bible is purely coincidental.

  Tammy Faye Bakker once said you can educate yourself right out of a relationship with God. Despite the below-average education level of most evangelists, even in theology, there is a long-held fear of ‘secular’ thinking. Many Hillsongers derive their beliefs about the world from anecdotal evidence, pastors’ ad-libbing and books written by Christians. The concept of applying usual logic to spirituality is abhorrent. My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. Yet, despite the limited objective information that they receive, fundamentalists are happy to lap up irrationality like mother’s milk. Bobbie Houston, when getting ‘real’ about sex, used Facts for back-up.

  Fact number one. God gave man and woman to each other.

  Fact number two. Sexual union is not abhorrent to God.

  Fact number three. Sexual intimacy is the God-ordained consummating act of marriage.

  Fact: Because it is a God-ordained, whatever, it is very, very authoritative.

  Fact: A healthy sex life is evidence—underline that—of unity and intimacy. Satan so knows this.

  She elaborated.

  Here’s some facts for Kingdom women living under a mandate.

  Fact: We the church in this generation live in a sexually saturated society. You and I have a job to correct it.

  Fact: A generation is emerging who are literally the fruit of a society that has had no moral fibre. That makes their behaviour a little scary. If they’re unredeemed, though, it’s not their fault.5

  Ad-libbing, the new fundamentalists will lay claim to anything as the truth. Their truth is the only truth, but the sources are infinite. Celebrities or atheist philosophers used to be quoted only for sinfulness; now, if they say something we like, we can whack them on a poster, right next to a New Testament promise.

  These are open-minded fundamentalist days. Science is not a dirty word. Pentecostals are not weirdos who don’t believe in taking their children to doctors. As soon as they’re sick, they’re straight to the finest hospitals, asking you to pray God guides the medical team. Pray the medication works, pray the nurses are well staffed, pray the scars don’t show, pray the insurance company pays. And then pray for healing, if you’ve got time.

  Current scientific thinking is in all AoG stories now. Everyone loves a sentence that starts with ‘Psychologists say’ or ‘The research shows’, and Hillsong has wasted no time in cutting and pasting such clips. They will go so far as to quote Einstein’s or Stephen Hawking’s view on the universe if it’s catchy enough.

  But science and Hillsong are only ever married by Hallmark.

  The progression of logical thought is derailed, as is every other method of gathering knowledge. Don’t ask Hillsong about the earth’s real age. They don’t like it. They don’t know what to say.

  Stephen Hawking may swear by it, but we’re not here to talk about Stephen Hawking and the world’s lies. Satan is the father of lies. We’re here to talk about Jesus. The author of Truth, found in the Word of God and in your hearts, now that you’re one of us.

  He’s our Saviour. What other questions do you have?

  Is it fair to blame the leaders for their followers’ haphazard responses to logical questions? I say yes. It’s hardly intelligent design.

  LOADING THE LANGUAGE

  The group interprets or uses words and phrases in new ways so that often the outside world does not understand. This jargon consists of thought-terminating clichés, which serve to alter members’ thought processes to conform to the group’s way of thinking.

  Jesus said that on Judgement Day we will be held accountable for every idle word we’ve spoken in our lives. This means I need to book a Judgement Week special, if any are going, because it’s going to be one long day otherwise.

  The book of Proverbs says that life and death is in the power of the tongue. Half of modern evangelism is based on this alone.

  What you say is what you get. Blab it and grab it. Faith words vs fear words. You could kill yourself if you say the wrong thing.

  You might think this would encourage some people to practise what they preach, yet mass evangelism is the most verbose, babbling brook witnessed in the history of Christianity, if not the world.

  All thought-reform groups ‘load the language’, creating communication that only insiders understand and which subtly saturates the entire culture. All these years, when I was filling out forms, I honestly believed English was my only language. When you look at it, though, I’ve been fluent in Christianese all my life.

  Christianese is a language that is harder to learn than most people realise. If you’re born into it, it’s second nature. To outsiders and newcomers it can be baffling, and hard to understand.

  Christianese has many dialects throughout the world, and if you weren’t at last week’s camp or conference you could miss out on a spontaneous new in-joke that will lead to an ‘old saying’.

  This list contains phrases you might encounter when going to Hillsong, but it can also be useful for listening to a TV evangelist or when setting foot in a neighbourhood fundamentalist meeting.

  Awesome: Originally a Valley Girl word, now used in Hillsong as a high holy word

  God: Santadaddy

  Jesus: The guy behind the Christmas spectacular

  Holy Spirit: Any sort of rush you might feel during the Christmas spectacular

  The/your/our/God’s Church: Hillsong

  Saved: Converted to Pentecostalism

  Unsaved: Everyone else

  Unchurched (previously Unsaved): Those who are not ‘locked into’ a church and therefore can’t be saved

  Backslider: Person who used to go to Hillsong but doesn’t any more (see Unsaved)

  Laying on of hands: Originally for healing. Popular at youth services; can lead to marriage

  Slain in the Spirit: Having the Holy Spirit take a hold of you so strongly that you fall backwards; often induced by laying on of hands

  Catchers: People who catch those who are Slain in the Spirit so that they don’t hit their head and can spend comfortable passed-out time with God

  Carpet time: The time between going unconscious and when you wake up and go back to your seat

  Gone to be with Jesus: Died

  Immorality: Anything at all to do with sex outside of marriage

  A lifestyle We don’t approve of: Gay

  Drug addicts: People who don’t dress as nicely as we do

  Girl: Any female from infancy to retirement

  Man: Any male from infancy to retirement

  Doing life: Living, since people are too busy to do lunch any more

  Girlfriends: Women who attend Hillsong women’s events, not to be confused with same-sex partnership. Girlfriends do life together; the alternative is not boyfriends doing life together

  Family: Someone related to you who isn’t gay, except for adopted children who aren’t related to you but are still family as long as they’re not gay. Non-biological relationships can’t be counted as family except for hetero
sexual spouses. And people who believe what you believe. Or give money to the building fund. Or who have a franchise of Gloria Jean’s Coffees

  In the scale of eternity: Deciding whether or not you should do life with some people, not others

  The Enemy: Satan. ‘The Enemy’ sounds less nasty the way KFC sounds better than Kentucky Fried Chicken

  Manifest: To behave as if demons are controlling you, for example,

  ‘I showed my parents my bad report card and they started manifesting’

  Spiritual battle: Confl ict with those who won’t think like you or your interpretation of the bible

  The Throne Zone: Heaven

  Resources: CDs, DVDs, books by pastors

  The Word of God: Resources

  Blessed (v): Given money to: ‘They’ve blessed our church’

  Blessing (n): Source of money: ‘They’ve been a real blessing to us’

  Blessed to be a blessing: Getting money to give it away

  Generous: Giving lots of money to the church

  Presence of God: The feeling of anticipation a crowd gets before a band comes on stage

  Worship: Singing along to Hillsong songs, CDs or DVDs, at

  Hillsong, at home or in the car

  Hope: The gamble that faith is real

  Faith: The reason for all the things that don’t make any sense

  Love: Feeling really special on the inside about anything at all; being nice to someone

  Grace: The whitewash process by which we only talk about the positive and no one has to be accountable for anything, for example,

  ‘When are you going to get a hold of the concept of grace?’

  Legalist: Anyone who disagrees with leadership

  Suffering for Jesus: Missing your connecting flight

  Salvation: Turning a bad business idea into a good business idea

  Peace: Knowing your investments are secure

  Miracle: Anything that goes your way without trying too hard

  God’s will: The plans of the AoG

  Kingdom ventures: The work of the AoG

  Church planting: Colonisation by the AoG

  New Christian: Convert who hasn’t been to bible college

  On fire for God: Totally brainwashed and ready to go to bible college

  Bible college: Tax haven

  International leadership bible college: International tax haven

  Challenge: Convince/bully, for example, pastor feels challenged at a conference to challenge his congregation to do something, usually to do with church growth

  Power: The right to challenge other people

  Purpose: Justification for self-obsessed behaviour

  Purpose driven: Unashamedly self-obsessed

  Vision: Expected net profit, hallucination

  Praise: Dividends

  Partnership: Joint venture

  Pathways: Networks

  Frozen chosen: Congregants who won’t follow instructions quickly enough

  Discouraged: Wondering why these formulas aren’t working out

  Doubting God: Realising the formulas are never going to work out

  Developing a negative, critical, defeatist attitude: Asking leadership why you’ve been told a bunch of lies

  Now worshipping at another church: Left in disgust and outrage over being conned

  Faithfulness to God’s will: Willing to put up with any amount of bad treatment from leadership and still go back to church

  We want you to have a free bible: Quick! Jump on our mailing list!

  Bring your friends: Recruit as actively as you can

  Bring your family: Take no prisoners

  We want to welcome them to church too: We can’t believe how much untapped cash is out there

  Great to see you, have an awesome week, we love you so much, bless you heaps: Please get out of the auditorium as soon as you can before the next service starts

  DOCTRINE OVER PERSON

  Members’ personal experiences are subordinated to the sacred science and any contrary experiences must be denied or reinterpreted to fit the ideology of the group.

  It’s important, then, once you’re in and you’ve thrown it out, not to bring it back again, except for special occasions like testimonies. Why would you look back? Your entire life can now be seen clearly through your new eyes, guided by your leaders’ wise old ones.

  What you thought was harmless experimentation as a teenager was actually very dangerous. It explains a lot of the choices you’ve made since, and if you look back you’ve reaped what you’ve sown.

  The Pentecostal heartbeat is the word ‘choice’. The world is a level playing field. People are where they are because of choices they or their ancestors made. Once you hear the good news of the gospel, the choice between life and death is yours. Turn or burn.

  This predicament nearly finished me off my whole life. The logic goes like this: because God loves us, he wants us to want to love him, therefore he gives us ‘free will’. If we freely choose to decline his offer, we go to hell. Thus, there is only one choice to make with free will. You have to get with the program because there is no other on offer.

  After the first introductory choice, you’re on your own. ‘You are a result of your choices’ is the Pentecostal waiver form. You’re a Christian now, so if it goes bad from here you’ve only got yourself to blame. Look at the brand-new life package you got for free just by accepting Jesus. If you choose to do anything other than walk in the light, you are choosing your old life and you will get the consequence of your choices. If you choose to live like us, then you too can furnish this life package with all the things you said you were dreaming about before. Things God wants for you, if you’ll let him. Things like a happy marriage, kids who love God and financial success. Then, when you’re rich, you can reach your individual potential. Or you can go back to Satan’s service. Entirely up to you.

  Does that mean you have to give up everything when you become a Christian? Hell no, that’s what grace is for. Not long ago, it was atonement through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ as opposed to having to observe every letter of the law like the Israelites. You don’t earn salvation by being good enough for God. No one’s good enough for God! God forgives through grace. Any time you ask a member of the AoG to show the books or you mention a name from the past, they go glaze-eyed and talk about grace covering everything bad, like shaking an Etch-A-Sketch. All gone.

  DISPENSING OF EXISTENCE

  The group has the prerogative to decide who has the right to exist and who does not. This is usually not literal but means that those in the outside world are not saved, unenlightened, unconscious and they must be converted to the group’s ideology. If they do not join the group or are critical of the group, then they must be rejected by the members. Thus, the outside world loses all credibility. In conjunction, should any member leave the group, he or she must be rejected also.

  Being part of the Cause can take up a lot of time. Being a member of a big international family calls for a lot of devotion, if you’re truly interested in seeing people affected and lives changed. Pastor Brian says it’s selfish not to share the gift of salvation with others. No one forces you to get involved, though you will be encouraged.

  For starters, it’s still traditional to go to Hillsong twice a weekend, which is easier now there’s Saturday night services. Then there’s a bible study group on a weeknight. Also your gender-based meeting on a Thursday morning. There are courses to attend. There are camps for the kids, and monthly leadership and volunteer meetings for those who are either or both. There are always conferences, album recordings, vision nights and prayer meetings to support if you want to make a difference. And that’s before you take on anything extracurricular like car park duties, or helping out in the call centre.

  Volunteering is an important part of serving at Hillsong. Pastor Brian has suggested that one weekend be spent at church and the alternate one volunteering. The ‘volunteer spirit’, as he calls it, is vital to Hillsong. The confe
rence every July uses three to four thousand volunteers, many of whom take a week off work to be there day and night.

  Then again, should you wish to spend your entire life at Hill-song, that can be arranged. If you were considering any serious responsibility, time with your family is history. Rehearsals and meetings are all compulsory, frequent and long.

  Cult theorists argue that exhausting people helps maintain control. If all they’re craving is sleep and to see their kids, they’re not as likely to care where all the money’s going, or how nonsensical the ideologies are. The AoG calls it a commitment to the things of God.

  It’s silly to live far away from the main building when you go there all the time, so a lot of people move closer. It’s also a way to see your new family, since you don’t have that much in common with your old friends anymore. Your new friends are the people you do the most with, share the most with, and sometimes even work the most with.

  The Hillsong business directory has over 1000 entries. If, rather than unchurched expertise, you require a Christian plumber or a Christian accountant or a Christian whitegoods specialist, fear not. The Hillsong business directory guarantees you need never do business with a non-Pentecostal again.

  The motivation to see your church succeed grows every day.

  With every facet of your life changing for the better, safely away from the old you, there is nothing and no one you won’t sacrifice to see success. And with prosperity stories pouring out of the resources and the pulpit, working for the man somehow doesn’t make sense.

  Why get up every morning to waste your life working for an unsaved boss, who is almost certainly not a friend of your destiny? He doesn’t know what it means to serve the living God.

  Suddenly it becomes much more meaningful to give up an empty career in exchange for something supernatural and exciting.

  There is a plethora of roles for the enthusiast: washing the many windows of the many buildings, organising registrations for up-and-coming events, and every pastor needs a personal assistant. If, in the beginning, you can’t get a paid job, never mind. You can go to bible college or volunteer or both while you’re waiting. Then you’re practically guaranteed a spot somewhere in good time, once you’re out of the trenches. If you refuse to relinquish all ties with the outside world by maintaining your own independent business, make sure it’s got a Christian theme and make sure it’s listed in the directory.